Wednesday, April 17, 2013

An Open Letter to Spammers

Dear Spammers,

I don't pretend to understand what the heck you're doing.  The connection between your comments of "this was a very interesting article for men and women" and your link to a website selling penile dysfunction drugs is not exactly clear to me, but I suppose it must work on occasion since you try to get me to publish them several times a day.  I don't understand why your Ws look like sideways threes (which I just discovered are actually lowercase Omegas).  I don't understand how you ever get anybody to click on your links, and I don't understand how you make any money when somebody DOES click on your link, unless you own the website selling the Cialis or whatever, but that seems kind of unlikely, especially considering your limited language skills.

What I'm saying is, spam confuses me.

Recently, your comments have consisted of more substantial material--sometimes even questions relating to the post.  You think you're pretty clever, don't you?  You think that I won't see the link at the end of your comment, right?  Well, you are MISTAKEN, Spammer.  As soon as that little notification pops up on my phone that Anonymous has left me a new blog comment, I'm onto you.  Believe it or not, I don't get a lot of *real* comments from anonymous people.  Most people who want to talk to me through my blog don't mind telling me (at the very least) their screen name.

And don't think I've forgotten about all you Twitter spammers.  Let's say that Judd Apatow did just get a new tattoo.  Do you think that he's going to see your link asking him about it and click on it?  And those tweets with no words, but just links--what's your thinking there?  Are there actually people out there who are dumb enough to click?

It must be kind of sad to be a spammer: sitting in front of your computer for hours at a time, being constantly rejected by smart people.  I'm so sorry that's your life.  If you enjoy spamming, then I guess I'm happy for you since not many people really *love* their jobs, but perhaps you could consider a career in something equally anti-social which doesn't annoy people quite as much. 

As my gift to you, Spammers, I will publish any and all spam comments which get through Blogger's (pitiful) filters and into my inbox for THIS POST ONLY. Knock yourselves out.  In return, I ask that you stop attempting to spam the comments of all my other posts.  Deal? 

Yeah, I didn't think so.




* If you are a regular reader of this blog, I suggest that you do not click on any links in any comments related to this post, when and if they come about. 
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