Saturday, March 2, 2013

Note to self.

Dear Self,

For some reason, you seem to be an expert at making the same mistakes over and over again.  I would like to take this time to remind you, in a public forum, of some of these mistakes in the hopes that we can break this stupid cycle in order to simplify our life.

DO NOT COLOR YOUR HAIR VERY DARK.  I know that there are photos of you in really good lighting that make you think "I look great with dark hair!  Let's do that!"  Well, you know what?  You don't look great with dark hair, unless it's got very warm tones.  It's too harsh.  You look best with any shade of red hair.

Even your kid knows you look weird.
So much better!

 DO NOT ENGAGE IN POLITICAL OR RELIGIOUS DISCUSSIONS ON SOCIAL MEDIA.  Even if it ends well and everyone is civil, the anxiety you get while awaiting a reply is just not worth it.  If you see something that makes you very angry, hide that person and move on. 

DO NOT EVER GO ON THE PILL AGAIN.  But what about that one time when I was on Yaz for a year and my skin looked so great?  Yeah, your skin looked great, but you also had to go on Zoloft to counter the crazy caused by the synthetic hormones in your body.  Remember?  Also, don't forget that the pill elevated your liver enzymes to where one doctor thought you were a binge drinker.  Healthy liver > clear skin.  See a dermatologist if your current skin care regimen isn't working, not your lady parts doctor.

DO NOT QUIT YOUR BLOG.  Why did you do that, dummy?  Oh, you felt "pressured" to post often?  It's YOUR blog, idiot!  Nobody is pressuring you but yourself!  When you declare "I quit my blog!", that's permanent.  You can't go back and say "Never mind!" without looking like an indecisive flake.  Also, no matter how much you may think you don't need a blog, you are wrong.  You need it.  It's important to your sanity to have this outlet.  You felt absolutely horrible when you stopped blogging.  If you're worried about not having anything original to say, then just take a break--or say something unoriginal.  Who cares?

Technically, these are jeggings, but the potato/po-tah-to.
DO NOT BUY SKINNY JEANS.  You look terrible in them.  The only time you look good in skinny jeans is if you wear them with heels, and it hurts your hips to wear heels, so on top of cutting off your circulation, you're not going to be able to walk without a limp for the next several days.  Stick with straight leg or boot cut denim.  Leave the skinny jeans to the skinny girls.

DO NOT SWITCH (MAKEUP) FOUNDATIONS.  Laura Mercier mineral powder foundation: that is your foundation.  Stick with it.  I don't care if another brand is cheaper, or if you think that you'd like to try out a liquid again, or if there is some new scientific breakthrough in makeup--do not switch.  Every time you stray, you wind up having to drive back to Sephora to exchange the new brand for your old standby.  NOTHING IS BETTER THAN WHAT YOU ALREADY USE.  STOP SEARCHING.

JUST SPEND THE EXTRA MONEY AND GET THE GOOD [INSERT ANYTHING HERE].  Don't be cheap, woman!  Remember those cheap running shoes you never wear?  And that cheap mascara that clumped and burned your eyes?  And that $5 tube top you bought at H&M, wore once, and then gave to Goodwill because it offered no support and fell down when you walked?  There's nothing wrong with a good bargain, but don't trade quality.  You're a grown-ass woman!  Get the good stuff!

DO NOT DRINK RED BULL AND VODKA.  Did you learn nothing from San Francisco???  One or the other. 

YOUR HAIR DOESN'T REALLY LOOK ALL THAT GREAT HIGHLIGHTED, EITHER.  I know what you're thinking (because I'm you):  but what about that summer I was highlighted to blonde?  That looked great!  Yes, there are some good pictures of you as a blonde.  It was summer, you were childless, and you spent a lot of time applying self-tanner.  Also, again with the good lighting.  However, the last time you got your hair highlighted, you hated it.  You looked weird.  Also, your hair is already not in the best shape, and highlighting doesn't do it any favors.  Red.  You look good with red hair.  RED.
Do you see what bad hair does to your kid???
You could be looking like this, you moron!

I hope that by writing, and subsequently reading, these multiple mistakes, we will drill into our brain the absurdity of them all and the cycle will be over.  Especially with the hair.  Because seriously, we have got to stop it with the hair.

If you're reading this and you are not me, and somewhere down the road you observe that I'm preparing to make one of these egregious errors in judgement, please stop me.  I'll probably argue with you, in which case I urge you to cite this open letter, because it's much more difficult to argue with myself than with you.

Thank you.


Teri Lynn Brown
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